Ryan, a Seahorse Dad
In this powerful and inspiring blog, Ryan - a trustee of Proud 2 b Parents - shares his experiences of transitioning, pregnancy, and life as a proud Seahorse Dad. He also talks about the impact Proud 2 b Parents has had on his life, and what motivated him to become a trustee.
Seahorses are unique, because it is the males in their species that get pregnant and give birth; like me!
My name is Ryan Charles Jacob, my pronouns are he/him, and I am a ‘Seahorse Dad’. I was born in a body with the capability of carrying and birthing my own child, and around age 19 I came out as a trans man.
Coming out as a trans man was one of the hardest things I've done in my life. I was coming to terms with it internally for 2 years before I finally decided I had to socially transition. Partly because I wanted to have a biological child and, like many trans men, I was under the impression that once you started medically transitioning you would become infertile – something which I later discovered is incorrect.
I thought to myself, 'Maybe I can hold on and come out in the future, after I’ve gotten married and had kids. Then I can be myself AND have the family want so much.’ However, as my dysphoria grew and my discomfort of being referred to as a girl grew and grew, I started suffering with depression. I knew that, as drastic as it sounds, I probably wouldn’t even make it to live old enough to be able to have a family if I carried on denying who I was. So I had to put myself first and live who I am, authentically and unapologetically.
Testosterone and Conception
I started testosterone privately. I went to numerous appointments, along with a therapist/mental health assessment to ensure that hormone replacement therapy was the correct course of treatment for me. Where, similarly to online advice at the time, I was told that I would become infertile with testosterone and I was strongly advised to freeze my eggs. There was a form given to me that I had to sign confirming that I knew the risks and that I was going to go ahead without freezing them. It was a hard decision, but I had to for my own mental health.
After 6 months, I was going to be starting testosterone. I was so excited, I would finally ‘pass’! (Passing is a term where a trans person ‘passes’ as their gender identity in day-to-day life, where strangers would automatically assume the correct pronouns.) Not every trans person’s goal is to pass, but it certainly was for me.
I had been on testosterone for 11 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. My ex-partner had been told by the doctors that they were infertile so we hadn’t taken any precautions. It was a conflict for me internally, because I had JUST started medically transitioning and had finally started to feel better. But at the same time, what were the chances that at the very start of my medical transition, an infertile person would suddenly get me pregnant!? It felt like a sign. Like fate had stepped in and said – here’s your chance to have your biological child before you continue your journey to becoming yourself.
About a year later, in the February before Covid set in, I found out that testosterone doesn’t make people infertile. I met so many wonderful Seahorse Dads, like myself, who had carried their own child. Some of whom had been on testosterone for over 10 years and still managed to come off it and conceive. Despite this, I still believe that it was destined that I would have my son.
“My son is the most perfect bubbly little guy. I couldn’t have asked for more.”
Birth and Community
Just a month or so before I had my son, my sister made me aware of Proud 2 b Parents. I was so excited that there was an LGBTQ+ parents organisation based in Greater Manchester, which is where I’m from. I found their website, followed their socials, and reached out to the community - where I was congratulated and told that I’d be very welcome to bring my son along to the meet ups when he was born.
It was so reassuring knowing that there were other LGBTQ+ parents nearby that I would be able to connect with on a regular basis. I would also get to be myself without the stereotypical questions that come from cis-het parents.
When I was in labour, it lasted from Sunday at 3pm until he was born at 7am the next day. It was a straightforward birth, with no complications, and I had him in a birthing pool surrounded by my mum, my grandma, my best friend and my partner at the time.
Even though this was pre-Covid, the midwife said about 5 minutes before I had him that I could only have 2 people in at a time so the others would have to leave shortly. She didn’t think I would have him until midday, but I had everybody I wanted to be there and my body knew it was time.
He was a small baby, 5lbs 11oz, and they were borderline on whether they had to keep him in, but decided after a few checks that he was fine, and he was – he's been the most gentle soul since day one. (Aside from teething but Idon’t think anyone would be pleasant if their teeth were all breaking through their gums at once!)
My first meet up with Proud 2 b Parents was for Valentine's Day 2020, just before we all locked down. We went to Sealife in Manchester and I met so many lovely people whilst my son (then 6 months old) took in all the beautiful new sights, sounds, and creatures!
Over lockdown, Proud 2 b Parents continued online. Some of our favourite digital sessions were drag story time, and dances. It was nice knowing that there were other people out there, doing the same thing as us, in our separate homes, at the same time. It gave a real sense of community at a time when there wasn’t much of it in daily life.
When I was asked to become a member of the board, back in 2022, I was so honoured that Matt had seen my lived experience as a Seahorse Dad and thought it would be important to the organisation. It made me feel accepted even more as a member of the community. I also knew that by being a part of the board, I would help other trans parents know that this is a safe space for them.
I’ve always been a big advocator of community, and by joining the board I knew that I would be able to help the community grow.
Lovingly, the end
Somewhere between having my wonderful son, medically transitioning and being uplifted by our beautiful queer community, I found that I’m not depressed anymore.
Life is beautiful, and we are so lucky that we get to experience it. Being able to give life to another being is a gift and it took me growing as a human and getting better to be able to appreciate that. Whether I conceive or adopt, or maybe both, in the future – it will be a pleasure to show another being the magic of the world around them.
Having a community of queer parents makes so much of a difference to me and to my child. It gives the children the chance to be around others like them, when they are most likely surrounded by children from cisgender heterosexual families at school or nursery. It’s also good to give them the opportunity to connect and see that there are MANY different ways to be a family. That they are all special and unique. And that no one family is the same as another.
If you’re a trans parent, or parent-to-be reading this, you’re always welcome to reach out to me if you have any questions. I’m happy to talk, to signpost, and to listen – because it’s so important to stand together and help each other in these times, or even just to have another adult to chat to!
You can reach Ryan via emailing info@proud2bparents.co.uk, and we’ll pass on your message to him.