In conversation with Kristina Rahim
Kristina Rahim lives in London with her wife and two children aged 10 and 12. Her first novel, The Doughnut Club, is a children’s book for 8-12 year olds. It tells the heartwarming story of Quinn, a donor-conceived girl in a two-mum family who finds out she has multiple donor siblings.
Kristina chatted with us about the experiences of LGBT+ parenthood which helped to inspire the story, and why she wanted to write for children in this age range. She also talks about her journey to becoming a parent.
You can find Kristina on Instagram at @krahimwrites and the publishers at @nosycrow.
Photo credit: Jo Mieszhowski
Did you always know that you wanted to have a family?
Kristina: I think, personally, I always assumed I would have children. It was just that as I grew older - the image of who that would be with changed. Family has always been a big part of my life and I'm very close to my own family. Fortunately, my wife felt the same! So when those conversations came about we were on the same page.
One thing that really helped give us the confidence to become parents was making a post in our neighbourhood group online. We asked if there were any LGBT+ parents who were willing to chat with us, and this really lovely lesbian couple who had teenage daughters replied. We didn’t have a lot a LGBT+ friends at the time, so it was really helpful to meet with them and ask them lots of questions. But the main thing was just to see an example of a family that was already established and was several years ahead of us and our journey. And they were so lovely! Just the same as any other family. So that was really helpful and gave us that confidence to say, this is fine!
What was your chosen route to parenthood, and how was the experience of going through fertility treatment?
After a lot of research into all the different options, we decided to conceive using donor sperm from a sperm bank. We used a sperm bank abroad in the end. This was so we could find out more about the donor than UK clinics allowed for at the time. We also wanted an open donation so the children would have the option to try and contact their donor when they are older, if they wanted to. We decided to use the same sperm donor for each child, as it was important for us to have the children linked biologically, if possible.
We both wanted to carry, but I decided that I would go first because I'm a couple of years older. We had 4-5 rounds of IUI to begin with which sadly didn’t work. Then we switched to IVF and it worked first time. Our first daughter was born in 2012.
About 18 months later, it was my wife’s turn to undergo fertility treatment. We assumed it would also take a long time to get pregnant because of our previous experiences - but it worked the first time! So we felt a bit shocked and unprepared to begin with. But we soon got into the swing of things and our second daughter came along in 2014.
Did you ever go to any groups or meet-ups for LGBT+ parents?
When we moved to West London, we got involved with a Pink Parent group and made friends there. We stayed in touch with some of the families for years. Some we are even still in touch with today! One friend happens to be a photographer and actually did my recent author photos. So that was a lovely connection to have between my family life and starting out as an author.
What are some of the joys of being an LGBT+ parent?
I think one of the joys is that there aren't any stereotypes. So you simply are who you are and no one has any kind of preconceived roles. You just sort of fall into your lane of whatever it is your strengths are, and then your partner picks up the other things. And between us, we just kind of fudge our way through - which every parent does anyway!
In terms of key messages we pass on to our children, it’s just to be who you are. And your family might look different to some other people's families but it doesn't really matter. Just be confident that this is us. And I think that's quite a nice way for kids to grow up, having that as their core.
And some of the challenges..?
In terms of challenges, it did sometimes become very tiring to have to explain our setup over and over again. It always came from a good place, but in spaces like baby groups we were constantly having to correct people in response to questions like “What does your husband do?”
I don't have a problem with answering questions because I would rather be able to give the answer myself, rather than have assumptions made about me and my family. But I did get fed up with it. It definitely lessened after the kids got settled in school. By that point, most people knew so they didn't need to ask us any more questions. But this was a key moment that inspired me to start writing for kids, because we noticed that the amount of questions reduced for us, but increased for the girls as they got older.
The girls were getting questions from their own peer group and there was little to no awareness of donor conception amongst children. Whether it’s solo parents, or same-sex parents, or straight couples - so many families come into being this way. So I think there needs to be a way to raise awareness and demystify the topic so kids have a basic understanding.
How else do your family experiences link in with the book?
It was one of those kinds of conversations that inspired the title for The Doughnut Club. Our eldest was in Year 1, so she was about 6 or 7 and she had a new best friend at school. It was one of those innocent conversations where the friend asked, “Why don't you have a daddy?” We've always been very straightforward with our answers in front of the girls, just to help them respond quickly and confidently in this kind of situation. So our daughter just replied, “I don't have a daddy, I have a donor.” And the friend misunderstood and was like, “What, a doughnut!?”
So they just giggled, and our daughter explained. Then they ran off and played and that was the end of the conversation! But for me it was just that realization that kids just don't know what a donor is, or if they do, they might think of it more of, you know, like an organ donor, as they might learn that term.
Why did you specifically want to write for older children?
There are a lot of diverse picture books and stories out there now featuring different types of families which is fantastic. But I noticed as the kids got older there were less books that specifically included donor kids. So I also wanted to add to that collection!
Can you tell us more about The Doughnut Club?
It’s an accessible and fun story, with donor-conceived kids at its heart. The book follows a donor-conceived girl called Quinn Parker, and she has a younger brother named Ollie. They find out from their mums that they have 16 donor siblings they didn't know they had - and the story explores Quinn evolving thoughts and feelings about the news. As well as what this means for her and her family.
It's set on the coast in Devon, and includes lots of holiday family antics that a lot of people will be able to relate to as well!
Sometimes there is some uncertainty about what language or terminology is best when talking about donor conceived families. Is this something that came up for you when writing the story?
I did some research for the book by chatting with an adult who is donor-conceived, as well as speaking to some from the Donor Conception Network charity. One of the interesting points that came up was the terminology that sometimes differs between each individual or family. When people refer to their donor, for example, they might use the term donor, bio dad, or donor dad to list a few. And it’s the same with donor siblings; there’s siblings, half-siblings, and diblings...to list a few!
As a writer I can’t cover all bases. So within the story, I try to relate with Quinn. She toys with a couple of different terms herself when she finds out about her donor siblings. And along the way she learns that one family doesn't like a certain term, so she simply uses a different term with them and moves on.
I wanted to illustrate that everyone goes with different terms, and as long as you just respect the other person's wishes, then there is no right or wrong term! If your family wants to use a certain term, that's fine, but if someone else says, ‘we don't use that term’, you just respect their wishes.
How do you feel about the book coming out?!
I'm both nervous and excited, especially because it’s my first one! I hope children and families enjoy it, and get a lot out of reading it. There is a second book already in the works which will explore similar themes within LGBT+ families. So watch this space!
-
Proud 2 b Parents would like to say a huge thank you to Kristina Rahim for joining us in conversation. We wish you every success with your first book!
You can buy The Doughnut Club from any bookseller, but we encourage readers to support their local, LGBT+ owned bookshop. If you or your children have enjoyed the book, then why not spread the word about it on social media, or ask your child’s school to buy it?